Episode 66: What’s the Point? Finding Your Purpose with Alan Mikolaj, Part 1

00;00;09;00 – 00;01;31;19
Kelly Parbs
We’re constantly evolving. Personally, professionally and in the way we show up for others. But growth isn’t always easy to define, and leadership isn’t limited to job titles or corner offices. It’s how we live out our values, navigate, change, and respond to the people around us. I’m your host, Kelly Parbs. I’m a licensed clinical social worker, and I’ve spent my career helping people show up with intention in their relationships, their work, and their everyday lives. My guest today is Alan Mikolaj, a leadership and organizational development consultant, executive coach and author of “Stress Management for the Emergency Care Provider” and “The Change: Insights into Self-Empowerment.” Alan works with people in high impact roles, helping build awareness, lead with authenticity, and stay aligned with their sense of purpose. Today, we’re talking about personal growth, purpose and what it really means to lead, whether it’s in the workplace, a family, or in your own life. These conversations matter because when we understand ourselves more deeply, starting with our core values, we can show up more fully for others and for ourselves. Please welcome Alan Mikolaj!

00;01;31;21 – 00;01;37;05
Alan Mikolaj
Hi, Kelly! It’s such a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me to your podcast!

00;01;37;07 – 00;02;03;15
Kelly Parbs
Absolutely! I’m really looking forward to our conversation. So why don’t we go ahead and just jump right in? In your chapter in the book “The Change,” you open with a moment that really shaped your path moving forward. The first time that you heard about this notion of having a life purpose. Can you take us back to that moment and tell us about it?

00;02;03;18 – 00;02;48;18
Alan Mikolaj
Oh, I’d be happy to. I love sharing this moment, so thank you for asking. I’m going to date myself, but we’re talking about the mid 60s or late 60s. I don’t have a clear memory of. I was exactly like in kindergarten or first grade, but it was around that time. The background to this story is that I was raised very strict Catholic, and so my Catholic mom, was a stay at home mom at that time. And I think I was playing outside in the backyard. And I hear this – Alan Anthony Mikolaj! I, you know, I need to ask you something, and, you know, you know, when you hear your full name, you know.

00;02;48;20 – 00;02;49;22
Kelly Parbs
That means something!

00;02;49;22 – 00;03;06;25
Alan Mikolaj
You’re thinking you’re in trouble, right? And so, but I remember coming into the kitchen and she said, come here. Alan, I want to ask you something. And I remember getting down on a knee and she said, what’s going to be your vocation?

00;03;06;27 – 00;03;08;17
Kelly Parbs
Oh!

00;03;08;19 – 00;04;09;03
Alan Mikolaj
And I’m like, yeah. And looking back on it, I see that same thing. It’s like, really? You’re asking a 5 or 6 year old, you know? But that was but that was her way of guiding me in. And not just our religion, but in life path and in the greater sense of spirituality, because what what that means for her and me and I eventually had to kind of grow and learn into was that, you know, that vocation is about God’s calling for you. And so what she was asking me at a very early age was to begin developing a mindset that we have a purpose in life and that for many of us, especially those of us who are spiritual, that that’s very much connected to a divine creator, being God, Allah, whatever you want to call that, and that you were put here for a purpose and it’s part of our responsibility. Being given the gift of life to discover what that purpose is.

00;04;09;05 – 00;04;20;18
Kelly Parbs
Wow, that sure is a young age to be thinking about that. And the fact that you remember it so specifically from being just a little five year old, that that’s interesting to me.

00;04;20;21 – 00;05;06;10
Alan Mikolaj
Well, I think what kept it fresh was that that wasn’t the only time she asked it. Right. You know, she she continued off and on throughout my life, and sometimes she would even, word it to the point, you know, have you ever thought of the priesthood or something like that? As I got older, and as it turned out, when I graduated from high school, I actually did entered the priesthood and went through about a two year discernment process there at Saint Mary’s Seminary in Houston. And, discovered, of course, that I was not called to the priesthood, but that that process up to that point, I was at least very clear that God was calling me to some form of service and helping others.

00;05;06;12 – 00;05;09;22
Kelly Parbs
At a minimum, you knew that you were to be a servant.

00;05;09;28 – 00;05;12;06
Alan Mikolaj
Exactly right.

00;05;12;08 – 00;05;23;10
Kelly Parbs
So you’ve said that identifying your purpose is one of the most important things a person can do. Why is that? And what makes it so foundational?

00;05;23;13 – 00;06;46;06
Alan Mikolaj
There are a lot of reasons, Kelly. I list out nine of them, for leaders and my purpose driven leadership program. Maybe we have time to to highlight a few of them. Especially the more generic ones that apply to all of us. One of the first ones that I that I list out is comes from a very good friend and former colleague. In leadership development. And her motto when working with leaders was clarity is a superpower. And that’s true whether you’re a leader or not. And so one of the first things that it does is it it it gives us clarity in every aspect of our life. And what clarity gives us is it leads us to focus so we know where to put our attention and our efforts. And over time, that clarity and focus then leads to building confidence. And when you consistently do that day after day, month after month, year after year, that consistent clarity, focus and confidence then leads to courage and integrity. So that when we’re faced with difficult decisions, challenges, crises. Having that clarity gives us the courage to respond. In a much more authentic, path, true to who we are and what we believe.

00;06;46;08 – 00;07;03;10
Kelly Parbs
You know, what’s going through my mind right now is if I’m thinking about purpose, is that something that we all have and just need to uncover? Or can we intentionally think about it and create what our purpose is?

00;07;03;13 – 00;08;27;21
Alan Mikolaj
I think it’s a it’s a both. Right. For me, it was a process of both discovery and creating. And sometimes the discovery leads to creating. In other words, you you discover one aspect of purpose at one point in your life. And, and that just builds a stepping stone. And that’s sort of how it happened for me. And so that it happens that way for a lot of people. But for others, it’s it’s can be clearly one or the other, you know, just uncover it. I found it and now I, I have that clarity. I’m in flow, you know, when I’m, when I’m focused on this purpose, I’m more joyful. I’m healthier. You know, those are a whole bunch of other benefits for for having, a life purpose or a life mission as people say. But in terms of that, yes, absolutely. If you don’t have it, you this is new to you. The idea of having a life purpose or a life mission, or in the case for leaders that you add to that a leadership philosophy. Then, absolutely. You can create it. That’s what my whole purpose driven leadership program is all about. It’s it’s about helping leaders specifically not only discover and create and develop that life mission and purpose, but then to add to that what their leadership philosophy is.

00;08;27;24 – 00;09;11;13
Kelly Parbs
I really liked when you talked about, you know, what the evidence is of someone who does have purpose and in their life, you said, you know, that they’re they’re more joyful and courageous. And and it got me thinking about, how does someone know if they’re aligned with their purpose for me? I know when I’m aligned with it, when I feel energized by what I do. You know, even though the work that I do, a lot of people would see as draining. But I feel like my cup is full and I feel energized. And for me, that’s an indicator that I’m aligned with with my life purpose.

00;09;11;16 – 00;11;43;18
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah. And, you know, you’re spot on. I mean, we’ve known about the effects of that. I think the, the, the psychologist who made that and philosopher who made that most famous was Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi with his work around flow. Right. And, and so, but there are so many other, benefits to that. I mean, flow and, you know, like you said, you just feel energized. You like, you know, that this is, what? You know, what I need to be doing. But, you know, we’ve known about the power of purpose for a long, long time. I mean, right after World War two, Viktor Frankl came out, you know, with logo therapy, you know, the I think probably most people have heard that quote, you know, that he said that those who have a why to live for can bear with almost any hell. And what some people may not realize how that developed. He he had some seminal ideas, but it happened during World War two that he and his family, they were Jewish. He was in like four different Nazi concentration camps. And it was through his focus on purpose that he attributes to being able to survive, those, those, just terrible traumas and to come out on the other side with a more clear idea of of what logo therapy and the idea of the, the what he called the primary human motivational force was purpose, you know, was knowing why. And so we’ve we’ve known it. And then you have others like Stephen Covey and the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that lead all the way up to today with, with, dignitaries or, or celebrities such as Simon Sinek, you know, with, with his start with y and so, the our knowledge of it, as, you know, as a species has, has been with us for, you know, decades and decades now. The problem is we don’t do a good job of teaching it and passing it on and and bringing awareness to that. And so I I’m blessed to have had a mother who started that process for me. And then, you know, developed a sense of curiosity for me to pursue that. But, you know, even though she asked all, all of that, I didn’t even have my first life mission until, Victor, I mean, Stephen Covey came out with the Seven habits book, and it was after reading that that I was I wrote my first life mission. That was back in 1987.

00;11;43;21 – 00;11;47;27
Kelly Parbs
Interesting. In 1987, you wrote your first life mission.

00;11;47;29 – 00;12;53;04
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah. And I still have it sits on a yellow legal pad. And, yeah, I hold it up on videos, you know, for the course. And when I’m doing it live, I put it in a document protector and take it with me to show people that. Yeah. And, you know, it’s really amazing about it. While there have been modifications and changes over the years, I do recommend that people revisit it, especially early on, like every year. And then once you’ve had it for a few years, maybe like every 3 to 5 years, or when there’s a major life change or something, you know, you get promoted or you have children or, you know, different things. It’s always a good idea to revisit and see if you want to tweak it. But but the that central that central idea of service, you know, and spirituality that I wrote back in 1987 as a young paramedic and father, you know, that’s still holds true to today. The the focus has shifted slightly to more with working with leaders and teams and organizations. But the idea of helping people grow and develop and and become the best versions of themselves, it’s been there from the very beginning.

00;12;53;07 – 00;13;10;22
Kelly Parbs
I love that you can check in with that. And that was the question I was going to ask you is, is does it still hold true today? And what I heard you say is it evolves over time. But still, those same core values run, run through your mission through your whole life.

00;13;10;25 – 00;13;11;17
Alan Mikolaj
Yep.

00;13;11;19 – 00;13;32;08
Kelly Parbs
I read that people with a strong sense of purpose have a significantly lower risk of premature death, even when controlling for other health factors. And if that’s true, then having purpose is really protective even in our physical health. Yeah.

00;13;32;10 – 00;14;00;25
Alan Mikolaj
That’s it’s funny that you say that. That’s my reason number four. It’s but but I but it encompasses a little bit more than just physical health. It’s, it’s absolutely connected to life satisfaction. Well-being, you know, being more about psychological well-being, work engagement and, physical well-being. And so, I mean, there are you are you’re absolutely right. There are hundreds of scientific studies that have linked, meaning in life, to lesser suffering and greater well-being.

00;14;00;27 – 00;14;18;07
Kelly Parbs
Wow. And so we all should be paying attention to this, whether or not we’re learning about this for a leadership role. But it sounds like just life in general. There’s so much reason for anyone to stop and identify what their purpose is and, and do some work around them.

00;14;18;10 – 00;15;28;18
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah. Having having a clear purpose or life mission or creating meaning in your life, there’s sort of different words that people use with that. And so being a student of this and an educator around this, I needed to explore that. And there are researchers who have, who have distinguished the difference between meaning and purpose, because both of them are important. Meaning is more has a slightly more past orientation. So that’s when you take the time to sit back and reflect and go, okay, let me look back over my life. What gives me meaning? What what what, you know, like you were saying, you know, let me reflect back, where are those times when I’m energized? Where are those times when I when I have a sense of being most fulfilled? Whereas purpose is a little present and future oriented because you’re looking at, okay, why am I here going forward, you know, in this moment and going forward, you know, and so purpose tends to have a slightly more future orientation, whereas meaning, has a bit of a past. And yet the two walk hand-in-hand in the present. If we if we use them with self-awareness.

00;15;28;20 – 00;16;32;12
Kelly Parbs
Self-awareness. Interesting. You know what I’m thinking about right now in my line of work? I shared with you that I’m a critical incident responder. I’m a social worker. And I’m thinking back to the pandemic, specifically working with doctors, nurses and teachers and how just grueling that time was for them. And, you know, it felt like days were 24 hours long with with no rest in between. And what we found over time is that if those people would connect to their, their purpose, their core values, why did I become a doctor, a nurse, a teacher that I almost could visually watch them be energized when we had that conversation? Like they were taking a great big deep breath, and it gave him the energy to just march on through those hard days. Is that something that you’ve seen in your work that you can relate to?

00;16;32;14 – 00;17;45;29
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah, absolutely. And you’re right about that. You know, there was there was a time, as the pandemic was starting to wind down and we were starting to get a little control over it, not just in health care, but but across industries and around the world. They called it the Great Resignation and the H.R. And, organizational development literature. People began to take a second look at what I do, why I do it, and started to question. And, so many people then when they took that time to do that, said, no, it’s time for a shift or no, it’s time for me to put a little, focus on a side hustle, because this just gives me so much more meaning in my life, and I’m bringing so much more value than what I’m doing currently for the paycheck. And so, yeah, there was a great shift that occurred around the world, because of the pandemic that was particularly focused on meaning and purpose in people’s lives. It made us stop and go, wow, life is short and fragile. And yeah, I don’t want to waste another minute doing something I hate.

00;17;46;01 – 00;17;51;07
Kelly Parbs
Yes, yes, the great resignation. I don’t think I’d ever heard that before.

00;17;51;09 – 00;18;52;09
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah. And, but you’re absolutely right. It’s also having greater meaning and purpose in your life is connected with not just resilience but with grit and goal attainment. You know, when you know why you are here on you and you focus on it every day and you pull that life mission or leadership philosophy statement out, and you, you start your day and it doesn’t take long, you know, just 2 or 3 minutes of intentionality. How am I going to live my life mission today? Why am I alive today? Why was I given another day of this gift of life? You, just like you said, you get energized, you get pumped up, and you’re like, I love what I do. And I had, one, one leader, just a couple of weeks ago reminding me about, that shift in mindset and reminded me of something that somebody had shared even years before. But it’s the difference between I have to and I get to.

00;18;52;10 – 00;18;53;27
Kelly Parbs
I get to, yep!

00;18;54;00 – 00;19;10;05
Alan Mikolaj
And it can apply to everything! So just using that in generic, you don’t even have to have it connected to meaning and purpose. But think about it. You know what the difference is? I have to drive in traffic to go to work versus I get to drive and go to work.

00;19;10;07 – 00;19;15;03
Kelly Parbs
Such a difference. It just changes the whole way that you feel when you say that.

00;19;15;05 – 00;19;34;20
Alan Mikolaj
I mean, because, you know, if it gives you the moment to shift and go, wait, there are thousands of people that are unemployed right now or who are disabled or sick and infirmed that don’t get to go to work today. And I am given that privilege and blessing in my life.

00;19;34;23 – 00;19;42;04
Kelly Parbs
Find the blessings that that’s how I was raised to. If I look, look for the blessings, I. I get to drive to work today.

00;19;42;06 – 00;20;08;29
Alan Mikolaj
Yeah, I you know the difference between I have to do laundry and I get to do laundry, or I have to do the dishes or cook supper or, you know, any it take anything in your life and and just try it from time to time. You know. But when you take that mindset of I have to and I get to and you in, you layer on top of that greater meaning and purpose and focus and clarity in your life, then that have to and get to shift becomes even more powerful.

00;20;09;01 – 00;20;27;15
Kelly Parbs
Right! You mentioned Alan, the idea of a leadership philosophy, and I would like to shift a little bit to leadership. And why is this idea of purpose especially important for people who are leading other people?

00;20;27;18 – 00;22;25;19
Alan Mikolaj
One of the strongest things that comes out of leadership literature is who the best leaders are, right? Or, you know, different, different researchers use different terms. There’s an effective leaders, exemplary leaders, are probably two of the most common and almost without exception, everybody that starts to research effective leaders discover that at least one of the foundational elements is a focus on meaning and purpose. In their leadership and leadership style. They have taken the time to clarify for themselves, why they are a leader, what their life mission is, and what are the principles and core values that drive that. Whether you start with Stephen Covey and Seven Habits back in the late 80s and early 90s, when, whenever that was. And, and he, he, he had every, every single one of the people he interviewed that, fostered that book on the seven habits. Every single one of them had a clear purpose in their life. Same thing with Abraham Maslow and self-actualized people. So there’s another term you can use. What’s, every single one of the people that he early on began to discover what self-actualization was. Every single one of the self-actualized people also had that. And so that that line of research continued then with leaders and, it’s it’s almost without question that if you want to be the best leader you can be, then the foundation has to start with meaning and purpose and how you leverage that as a leader.

00;22;25;21 – 00;22;46;08
Kelly Parbs
And sometimes you can just see that in a leader, right? Even if they don’t lay out for you. This is my purpose. This is my mission. You can just see in in how they behave and go about their business, that it’s very clear that they have a plan and they are on a mission. And I think that makes their teams and the people who work for them feel more confident.

00;22;46;11 – 00;24;15;07
Alan Mikolaj
Absolutely. I mean, one of the one of the most, powerful studies on that was a where some studies by, Barry Posner and, and Jim Kouzes that they have a bestselling international bestselling book, that was born out of their early research, called The Leadership Challenge. And they also have workshops and, leadership assessments, around it. What they discovered with their were they they started to ask people in their early research out of a list of it got narrowed down to 20 characteristics. What were the the seven top most admired traits of a leader for you? And they would sometimes prompt them with, you know, think about the best leader you’ve ever known in your life and what you know. And so here’s here’s a list of 20 traits that could potentially be attributed to a great leader. Pick the top seven. And so they have now done that questionnaire for either close to 40 years or just over 40 years. And. Every country, every industry, every walk of life, no matter who they asked this of the the same top four were endorsed by 50% or more consistently over the past 40 years.

00;24;15;10 – 00;24;17;00
Kelly Parbs
You have to share what those are!

00;24;17;03 – 00;27;26;05
Alan Mikolaj
Absolutely! They are being honest, competent, inspiring and forward looking. So first, honesty is like connected to that sort of authenticity. You know, you’re you’re somebody we can believe we we can trust you. The competence is you can get things done. But that third one inspiring. That’s where that’s where we connect to meaning and purpose, leadership, philosophy, core values. You know, people follow the the most inspiring leaders. I mean think about across history. You know, people like Martin Luther King or even, you know, Jesus of Nazareth. You know, people when you when they think about that, that leader that they admire, whether it’s, a president, former or president or a, social justice leader or a leader at the office, we look to somebody to inspire us, do what’s really interesting about those those first three, honestly, competency and and being an inspirational was that after a number of years of doing this research courses and pastor, they were psychologists by by education and and trade early on. And then they shifted into this focus on leadership development years later. But so they were familiar with some marketing research that had, I think it started like in the 50s or 60s, that has been replicated over and over again for marketing and advertising. And even in academics was what defines a credible source. So this is not connected to leadership. This was research done around academics, but mostly marketing and advertising. And there were three characteristics that were necessary for a source, whether that’s a person, on a, on a TV ad or, a lecturer, you know, at, you know, a symposium. And that was they had to be trustworthy, an expert in their field and possess dynamism was the word that came out. And so you can immediately see the connections between those three things and the top three of the leader of the for for leadership was the trustworthiness is honesty. The expertise is competence, and the dynamism is connected to that in spirit. Inspiration. Well, they made that connection early on. And but then they said, what? Wait, what about this forward looking thing that has been endorsed by 50% or more of the people over the years? And that’s where that dawned on them. First, a leader has to be credible. But what defines a leader is their ability to have a vision and to be forward looking into lead change. And if you don’t have a purpose and vision, you can’t lead change effectively. And so it was, you know, it’s just really exciting and amazing to, see these connections through the literature and, and in practice. That’s the thing. You know, these are real world stories that these are all these were developed from.

00;27;26;08 – 00;27;42;19
Kelly Parbs
Well, and I would imagine that in your practice and when you see all of this come to life, and when people really work on developing or uncovering their their purpose, you can just see how how that transforms them.

00;27;42;21 – 00;28;22;27
Alan Mikolaj
Oh, I live for it, Kelly. Because I know, I know where it’s heading at at a minimum. That brings me the greatest joy and fulfillment my meaning and purpose is after working with a leader or even group of leaders, you know, one or some or all will come up to me and say, wow, that that’s changed my leadership. But the real true cherry on the the top of the the icing there is when a leader comes to me and I’ve had many say this in some fashion. Another. But it’s what I live for is Allen. That didn’t just change my leadership, it changed my life.

00;28;23;00 – 00;28;27;20
Kelly Parbs
Wow. Because like we said, this applies outside of the work environment as well.

00;28;27;20 – 00;29;32;19
Alan Mikolaj
Exactly. And that’s one of the things even Simon Sinek has been talking about this, in the last year or so, where you can’t have integrity at work and then not have it at home or vice versa. You can’t say I, I believe in, compassion at home with my children and my spouse or my loved one significant other, and then not have compassion at work and value at their, you know, so he’s like one of the one of the things I, I began to I got this from a mentor and former boss, and I ran with it was, we were we were focused on developing a high potential leadership development program at that time. And she had put me in charge of the team to do that. And, one of her guiding principles, as we were getting started was Alan- remember, professional and leadership development is also personal development, and personal development is also professional and leadership development.

00;29;32;21 – 00;29;59;08
Kelly Parbs
Stay tuned for part two of my conversation with Alan Mikolaj on leading with clarity and purpose in a complex world. To hear that episode and other episodes of OnTopic with Empathia, visit our website, www.Empathia.com. Follow us on social media @Empathia, and subscribe to OnTopic with Empathia so you don’t miss an episode. I’m Kelly Parbs – thank you for listening!